i can’t take it anymore. i can not do this.

i put everyone above me. EVERYONE. even people i dislike (which isn’t really anyone) get their feelings put above my own.

i don’t understand why i do this, i think i’m crazy.. it’s just who i am.

one instance of this is my ex boyfriend.. we recently broke up and i am extremely upset over this.. he was honestly the best boyfriend i have ever had. i miss him, or well maybe not miss him, but i miss what we were. its natural to feel this way.. the thing is, he broke up with me and he is the one more sad… i feel like he is posting everywhere about how sad he is and such. he obviously wanted us to end so why is he so sad?? a little sad maybe, but seeing so much of this makes me sad.. and i don’t want to post anything because i know it will make him more sad, and i can’t take it if he was more sad.. i specifically choose not to post certain things because i know it will make him upset.. i even text him the other day to make sure he was okay, even though it killed me to do so. for whatever reason i care, and i do all of this..

the next instance, more serious instance, is my mother.. I SWEAR TO GOD SHE HURTS ME SO BAD! she is god awful to me. everyday of my life she tells me how terrible of a person i am and how much she hates me.. the best part is i am not even exaggerating. she has told me on so many occasions that she just does not like my personality.

i try so hard to  be what she wants me to be. yet she tells me how terrible of a child i am, how i am a screw up in life, how im not as smart as my friends, how im going no where in life, how everything i do is pointless, how perfect my friends are for being able to handle school and being pretty, apparently im not pretty and need to work on my appearance, how much of a bitch i am and how she is surprised i have friends, how literally everything i do is wrong, no matter what it is, how what i find fun and interesting is weird, how i should learn to keep my dumb opinions to myself. and so much more. SOO, SOOO much more. 

it kills me to hear her say all of this to me, it literally kills me.. you think family is the one thing you have in life, the one thing in life that will love you no matter what. well not my family. i understand other family situations are worse than mine, but i don’t think that this makes this okay.. my dad doesn’t care he sides with my mom just cause its easier to agree with her than to disagreee. my brothers both hate me as well soo thats just out of here..

i have to suck it up and deal with it every day though. i can’t even tell my mom how hurt i am by this! it makes her upset to hear me say how much of a terrible mother she is to me. so i just don’t say anything..

i have tried to say how upset i am and whatnot, but she doesn’t care at all. if i try and make a bigger deal about it she will cry. i don’t want her to cry, i just want her to stop.

this sadness in me from hidding my feelings or doing things to please other people is effecting my life. i get so upset that i don’t want to do anything but sit and think about how sad i am. i don’t feel sorry for myself, trust me, i understand everyone has their issues and other people have far more serious issues than i do; but for whatever reason i just can’t help but be sad because i don’t know how to fix myself.